Where is the off switch for my brain?

I’ve been spending far too much time thinking lately.  Late at night when I’m trying to get ready for bed something happens and my brain goes into overdrive and I start examining every little detail and blowing things out of proportion.

My conclusion last night is that Mr. Too Good To Be True is indeed that, and will end up trampling my heart at some point in the future.  The sad thing is, it won’t be on purpose.  He’s an upstanding guy.  He’s just so guarded.

 

There is going to come a point in time when I want it all.  The whole ball of wax, the big sweeping romantic love…… I’m going to want that.  I’m cautious enough that I can move slowly into it and I just don’t see that happening for him.  Or at least I don’t see that happening for him with me.  That might be low self esteem talking but he just never seems to be bowled over by me.  He’s a very level person so perhaps he’s like that with every woman and it’s all bubbling inside and he just doesn’t show it and doesn’t talk about it.  There are moments when I think I see it but that might just be wishful thinking on my part.  (Cheese alert! It’s usually when we’re sitting on the couch.  We always end up facing each other with one cheek  against the back holding hands, just talking.  every once and awhile I think I see something in his eyes.  Eh it’s probably just a reflection in his glasses.)

His big dream is to leave anyhow and I can’t follow him to Paris or Portugal or even just to Los Angeles, that’s just not something I can do right now.  Maybe we’re both just in the wrong places in our lives but I don’t see us ever being in the right places for each other either.  If I thought he was just crazy about me I think it would be worth it no matter the uncertainty because he is such an amazing person but if he is crazy about me he’s hiding it very well.  Or I’m blind.  I don’t know that DD friend thinks he’s crazy about me but she tells me that he really likes me whenever we discuss this.

 

So the question is do I cut and run now to protect myself and always wonder what could have been?  Or do I march into the inevitable heartbreak?

In the past I think I’ve thrown myself at people that I knew there was something not quite right with, the opposite of running away but with the same result.  Sort of a way of proving to them that they didn’t really like me by being so over the top.  I will not do that this time.  I won’t try to force him to fall in love with me either.  If I do anything at all, it will just be run away.  I want him to at least think of me fondly if he thinks about me after I go and not as some overbearing, needy, or dramatic woman he was briefly involved with.

More than anything I need to figure out what I really want to do.  How important is it for me to protect myself because even the most promising thing can be doomed when one person constantly has one foot out the door ready to bolt at a moment’s notice.

I’m giving myself another few weeks to decide and maybe I’ll be spared that and it will just burn itself out.  Call me chicken if you want I just don’t want to be a position where I develop feelings that won’t be returned.

Today I’m just not going to contact him and see what happens.  and if that other guys texts I’m going to let him take me to dinner.  He knows I’m seeing someone else and Mr. TGTBT knows I’m supposed to go dinner with the guy.  I am in no way doing anything that should make me feel guilty and I need to get over it.