Blinding revelations

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past two days.  Sort of combing over the details in my mind and figuring out what I need to do to get over it.

*wince* let’s just say before I thought about it I did some things that were a very bad idea.  Nothing to do with him, just knee jerk reaction things I’ve done in the past that are not good.  And no I won’t say what they are so don’t ask.  I’m not happy about it but I’m not going to dwell on it either.  And while I gave in to it, I saw pretty quickly it was destructive and I was only hurting myself and put a stop to it.

I’m am not the person I thought I was, but I’m not the person I used to be either, I’m somewhere in between.

The old me would have taken her revenge.  The new me thought about it but didn’t. The person I want to be wouldn’t have thought of it at all. I didn’t realize it at the time and I’ll give him credit for this………  It never crossed his mind that I would do the things I was thinking about doing or else I wouldn’t have had the tools to do it.  The first thing he would have done had he thought I would do some of the things I was thinking of was make sure I was unable to do it.  Perhaps it’s just because he’s incredibly stupid and underestimated me but lets pretend it was because he believed that I am the person that I want to be someday.  Some of the things I was thinking about could have really messed up his life in the future and honestly there would have been no way to undo them had I later felt sorry about it.  The whole while I’ve known him I assured him I was not a crazy bitch and he obviously believed me which indeed forced me to not be a crazy bitch.  Hard to do shitty things when someone thinks you’re a better person than you are.  Well, if you’re me at least.

I drug up some of the ugly insecurities I have and really took a look at them today.  I put them into words more for me but also for him.  I realize that I am a fixer, I want to fix the broken people but it’s not good for me (I’ve worked up to this over awhile).  It’s because I have some insecurity that people don’t see what a good person I am or that I need them to tell me how great I am for me to believe it.  This is going to be a huge thing to fix in myself and I honestly don’t know if it’s something I can change.  I think I’ll always want to help people, but I need to change the reasons I do it.  I wrote him a letter majority of it good a little of it saying “you acted like a douche, and if you can’t see that let me show you how you acted like a douche.” (Hey, I’m not perfect! and I want him to feel some guilt if he’s capable of it but mostly I want him to see what he’s done so he won’t do it in the future.)  So yea, I’m still trying to fix him, but not so he”ll think I’m great I mostly don’t care when he thinks of me anymore but because I like to give people more credit than they deserve.  Maybe he does want to be a better person, and if/when he’s ready to do that he can look at that letter and see some things he needs to change.

I kept the letter saved on my computer so I can go back and read it when I need to remember what I need to do to be the person I want to be.

annnd

Everyone was right and I was wrong about him.  Heart meet blender.

Oh well, I tried.  It sucks, but I’ll get over it.  And in the mean time I’ll plot my revenge.

 

Since there is no longer anything to figure out with him I guess I’m back…… maybe.

Where is the off switch for my brain?

I’ve been spending far too much time thinking lately.  Late at night when I’m trying to get ready for bed something happens and my brain goes into overdrive and I start examining every little detail and blowing things out of proportion.

My conclusion last night is that Mr. Too Good To Be True is indeed that, and will end up trampling my heart at some point in the future.  The sad thing is, it won’t be on purpose.  He’s an upstanding guy.  He’s just so guarded.

 

There is going to come a point in time when I want it all.  The whole ball of wax, the big sweeping romantic love…… I’m going to want that.  I’m cautious enough that I can move slowly into it and I just don’t see that happening for him.  Or at least I don’t see that happening for him with me.  That might be low self esteem talking but he just never seems to be bowled over by me.  He’s a very level person so perhaps he’s like that with every woman and it’s all bubbling inside and he just doesn’t show it and doesn’t talk about it.  There are moments when I think I see it but that might just be wishful thinking on my part.  (Cheese alert! It’s usually when we’re sitting on the couch.  We always end up facing each other with one cheek  against the back holding hands, just talking.  every once and awhile I think I see something in his eyes.  Eh it’s probably just a reflection in his glasses.)

His big dream is to leave anyhow and I can’t follow him to Paris or Portugal or even just to Los Angeles, that’s just not something I can do right now.  Maybe we’re both just in the wrong places in our lives but I don’t see us ever being in the right places for each other either.  If I thought he was just crazy about me I think it would be worth it no matter the uncertainty because he is such an amazing person but if he is crazy about me he’s hiding it very well.  Or I’m blind.  I don’t know that DD friend thinks he’s crazy about me but she tells me that he really likes me whenever we discuss this.

 

So the question is do I cut and run now to protect myself and always wonder what could have been?  Or do I march into the inevitable heartbreak?

In the past I think I’ve thrown myself at people that I knew there was something not quite right with, the opposite of running away but with the same result.  Sort of a way of proving to them that they didn’t really like me by being so over the top.  I will not do that this time.  I won’t try to force him to fall in love with me either.  If I do anything at all, it will just be run away.  I want him to at least think of me fondly if he thinks about me after I go and not as some overbearing, needy, or dramatic woman he was briefly involved with.

More than anything I need to figure out what I really want to do.  How important is it for me to protect myself because even the most promising thing can be doomed when one person constantly has one foot out the door ready to bolt at a moment’s notice.

I’m giving myself another few weeks to decide and maybe I’ll be spared that and it will just burn itself out.  Call me chicken if you want I just don’t want to be a position where I develop feelings that won’t be returned.

Today I’m just not going to contact him and see what happens.  and if that other guys texts I’m going to let him take me to dinner.  He knows I’m seeing someone else and Mr. TGTBT knows I’m supposed to go dinner with the guy.  I am in no way doing anything that should make me feel guilty and I need to get over it.